I am learning new things about myself, Some are a little bit hard to swallow. I never realized how much my self-esteem, depends on what ever calling I have in the church. I have no calling here at camp, except to be a missionary. As I have watched others be called to serve as team leaders, Relief Society Presidency, Sunday School teachers, district leaders, etc, I have had feelings of not being good enough. Now I know those kind of feelings are from Satan, but I still hurt.
Some things happened last summer, that made it really hard for me to come back to serve this summer. I was hurt deeply, by several people, and left with a lot of hurt in the fall. As we have come back, I have had those hurts brought to the surface again, and others added to it. I have been looking at myself and my service and struggling.
Now I know it does not matter what your calling is in the church, as long as you do your best, but I am finding that, especially, as I get older when I don't have a calling I somehow feel that I have let the Lord down in someway.
I have been reading a wonderful book called " The Continuous Conversion" and I read exactly what I needed today. Basically it said that when we feel like that, we are saying that we don't trust what the Lord is preparing us for. That we must go through all kinds of experiences, for us to continue to grow.
As I have pondered that, I discovered something that I did not like very much about myself. I have become prideful, and I have a need to repent. The Lord needs me to be humbled and since I have not chosen to be humble on my own, He is humbling me. Seeing if I will still serve Him with all my heart, even when I don't have a calling and am kind of a nobody.
After feeling so hurt at the end of the season last year, the Lord blessed me so much. He called me to serve as the Laurel Adviser for the winter. Oh how I love my Laurels. they accepted me, and gave me so much love, I know I was not called because they needed me, I was called because the Lord, in His tender mercies for me, knew that I needed them. What a blessing they were to me this winter. The Lord is so good to me, I need to focus on how good He is and how much I love Him and He loves me, not on what calling I have.
I am learning you don't need to be called to be a missionary, to be a missionary, you don't need to be called to be the Relief Society President to serve one of my sisters, you don't have to be called to something to serve the Lord. JUST SERVE, WITH ALL YOU HAVE TO GIVE HIM, and that is all He asked of us.
I am changing my attitude, I am going to be the best missionary I can be here on this mountain.
